Sex, An introduction, 1.1
I have written and taught a lot about sex. I would say it is one of my core qualities as a therapist. At the moment my understanding of sex, relationships and love is very expanded and touches on the most pressing social and spiritual issues of our time.
I have noted however, that when it comes to sex, very basic principles are still stuck in many of our minds. This is why I have decided to write this article. It covers sex 1.1.
The basic principles in this article can keep you entertained and send you on an exciting quest for a long time and even life times. But if this reads like a boring, been there, done that, mantra to you, please let me know and I can offer you some more challenging material, as this article can not be conclusive or complete.
Like all things, sex exists on all levels. In this article I will deal with the physical, emotional, mental, relational and spiritual levels.
Sex and the physical
Starting from the physical, I always like to compare sex to food. We all need to eat. We usually prefer to eat in company, but if we are hungry we will eat by ourselves instead of being hungry.
Arousal and orgasm are generally healthy for the body. They balance hormonal levels, spike levels of hormones that contribute to wellbeing, increase blood flow, boost the immune system, allow you to breath deeper and so on.
When we allow children to develop their sexuality unguided they will start out with masturbation. We do not provide a lot of guidance or education around masturbation. Sex education usually starts with sex between partners because there is a fear of all the physical, social and emotional damages that can be done. This is a shame because if we learn to nurture ourselves on this aspect we are fuller human beings.
In reality the capacity to pleasure yourself and to have a good relationship to your body is very useful for your well being.
There are a lot of ways to learn how to pleasure yourself better and I guess books and blogs and youtube videos will be out there, so explore. One of the most important aspects when I guide clients in this is the capacity to connect to the inner second chakra spot. In physical terms this is about the g-spot, the mouth of the uterus, the prostate and anal stimulation.
You can stimulate this area externally, internally and energetically and it is always a start for self development.
For some people the alienation from their body is so advanced that masturbation does not sound interesting and is not appealing. In these cases I advice to start appreciating and loving the body under all and any circumstances. A good start is buying yourself luxurious shower creams, soaps, sponges and so on and really give loving care to your body when you shower focusing on the sensations in the skin as you connect with yourself.
Now this is important no matter what the shape, size, form or health of your body. If you are alive, you have a worthy body and it, and you, are fully worthy of attention, love, appreciation and adoration. Let nobody, especially not yourself, tell you it is otherwise.
Sex and Arousal
emotional, mental and relational
What arouses us is learned and highly culturally colored. It changes over time and I highly recommend you do not “decide” one day what or whom “turns you on”. Or even worse, come to a conclusion about “who you truly are”. Truly you are an enlightened highly conscious being of god that is expanding ever further in it’s quest for love and awareness. And your relationships, sexual and not, play a large role in this expanding.
I would call the mental and emotional levels the personal, non physical aspects of sex.
The mental and emotional levels of sexuality are in a great creative chaos at this moment in our evolution as a species. This is directly related to the unification within each individual of male and female energies. I can write two separate books about this aspect of sex and how it is changing in our species right now. It touches on sexual identity, gender, family, soul tribe and so on. If you want to know more, let me know. For the purposes of this article I will try and stick to the basics.
Sex has an immediate relationship with your mind and emotions. You can explore this especially well in masturbation. From the vary basic fantasies that allow you to explore what turns you on, until letting go of these “forms” and connecting to the life force, your soul and higher self through masturbation. You will see that your mental and emotional states are influenced and changed by sex, even if you become able to disconnect your masturbation from any and all “stories” you are currently interested in. With stories I mean: specific people, specific forms of stimulation, specific sexual attributes etc.
As soon as the stories come in, the “other” comes into our sexual experience. This is the relational aspect of sex. This is the main issue many light workers are currently healing, expanding and lifting as it is directly related to the creative force of our current experience.
On the non physical levels the most important thing that happens when you have sex with someone is that you mix your energies. This is where, in my eyes, most of the authentic attraction that people feel originates. We feel attracted to others, sexually or otherwise, because those individuals have a quality in their energy (color, vibration, flavor) that we lack in that moment. Whether we experience this attraction as sexual or not is largely culturally and psychologically decided. When you mix your energy fields you receive this quality while you share your qualities with your partner.
But also other, perhaps less desired energies, are being mixed. And therefore, although I am a very big advocate of sexual liberation, I am not an advocate of sleeping around and choosing your bed partners without care. Sexual liberation in my eyes is overcoming the stories, ideas and mores you have internalized about sex and enriching your experience as you grow.
So how do you know if you would like to mix energies with someone, if it is a good idea? Well first and foremost I would say you connect with your spiritual guides and let that part of you decide. I am of this opinion for every decision in life. I also understand this is not yet a practical applicable advice for many, as their connection to their guides is not so well established or they lack the capacity to hear clearly in energetically charged moments like high emotions or arousal.
Therefore I would like to offer you this practical tip:
Don’t have sex with somebody if you can’t have sex with them with your clothes on. Yes, I mean that literally, “dry humping” as slang calls it. Being aroused with someone and being observed and observe is very intimate. If you feel too uncomfortable with the person to do this or if he or she is not interested to share it, then there are too many things off on the emotional, mental and relational levels to make it a positive thing.
Because during arousal and play with clothes on, energy is already being mixed. Having sex with someone that you do not feel comfortable doing this with means that you override the emotional and mental incompatibility or even risk for a physical sensation. This is not smart, because as soon as the clothes come off, more barriers between you and the other person will fall and even more energy will be mixed.
This is why I encourage parents of teenagers to let their children “fool around”. Allow them some time and space with a lover in their room but not enough for the actual act to happen so that they can learn about each other step by step.
Sex and the transcendental
Because sex helps us to let our defenses down, it is a great vehicle for spiritual and transcendental experiences. This is true for solo sex and sex with others.
Since, in today’s world, the emotional and mental dimensions of sex are so chaotic, it is often through masturbation with a spiritual direction that people can reconnect to their sexuality in a good way. You can try masturbating with the energy of a tree, a crystal or your higher self. For most of these practices some sexual liberation is necessary as it requires you to be aroused and in a positive relationship with your body without the mental image of somebody that you desire or that is desiring you.
One of the more known practices is Tantra. Also Tantra offers many exercises to do on your own. Furthermore, you don’t have to be in a sexual relationship with somebody to practice tantric exercises with another. It would be nice if you would have a general base of trust with this person, like a friend or somebody that you are sharing a spiritual workshop with. But in general, you can do these exercises with anybody.
Of course you can also do them with your lover and this is a nice “ad on” to other experiences that you might have with this person. The reason why tantric sex with your own partner can become so spiritually ecstatic is exactly because, ideally, you have a very deep trust relationship with this person and you feel safe to let go of many barriers, consciously or not.
And, as discussed before, the aspect of attraction encourages you to let your barriers down even though you do not fully trust the other. Now you understand better that this is because you desire an energy quality that this person can share with you!
How much you will be able to experience depends largely on you and your own relationship to yourself and the world.
Hereunder I will give one example of a very simple tantric exercise. Again the world is full of teachers, books and videos to help you forwards. One word of caution. I am not often a fan of tantric books, teachers and courses because more often than not they stick to dogma and interpretation of how things work or should be. The truth is that the world is changing so fast right now that any kind of ‘truth’ in this area, is at best, temporary. If you are or know enlightened teachers in this field feel free to let me know.
Universal breath
If you want to try this at home you can record yourself on your phone reading the following paragraph and then replay as you do the exercise.
Sit or lie in a position where you can see the other person in the face. The goal is to harmonize your breath in a way that the inbreathe of the one is happening during the out breath of the other and vice versa. Start with keeping your eyes open. If you cannot harmonize automatically let the more comfortable person in the exercise adapt his/her breathing to the breath of the other. Breath slowly and steady and try to make the in and out breath of equal length. Breath like this for some time until it becomes easy. Become aware of the wave like quality of the movement within and between you, the rise and fall, the rise and fall and how one single movement is being created. It is not necessary to focus your eyes or to look your partner in the eyes constantly. If your gaze becomes cloudy or unfocused, just notice how your awareness is expanding and how you are becoming aware of the presence of your partner beyond their physical body. Allow whatever perceptions come along to move through you without judgement or too much interpretation. Keep bringing yourself back to a loving and respectful attitude towards yourself, the other and the experience and energy that you are creating. Curiosity is key. This is sacred and the starting point of conscious co-creating.
Copyright Maartje Kreuzen 2016